I burn palo santo with the hope it will rid me of the things I dislike about myself just as it supposedly rids negative energy. Instead of changing those things about me, I just wish them away. I often oscillate between wanting the best for myself and thinking the worst of myself.
Unfortunately, the two don’t coexist well.
I’ve been thinking of the quote, “Wherever you go, there you are,” and I’ve been left unsettled by it. Not that I entirely hate myself, but I did hope that I could outrun a few things. I am now reminded that they will always be there. There is no wishing them away.
I ask myself if I’ll ever get the things I want if, at my core, I don’t believe I deserve them. In fact, I’m haunted by the question. I attempt to trick myself into believing that I deserve good things– just for a few moments– and hope it’s enough. Ultimately, it hasn’t shown to be successful yet. But there is hope that if I continue to trick myself, it will somehow stick. Maybe I’ll eventually believe it.
Maybe my inability to change what I wish to change about myself is one of those things I would love to outrun. But I’ll continue to burn my palo santo and wish it away.
beautiful